The House That Built Me

         So, the past few weeks have been a little.... insane. My diet idea kinda went by the wayside these past couple weeks because school has been a crapper lately and we moved. We lost our house and had 12 days to be out, but by the time I found out, we had only 9 days. Long story short, it was a lot of packing, a lot of help from our dear friends and a ton of tears. I've lived in that house for nearly 20 years, and I was devastated to see it be taken away from me because the bank decided to recant their deal with my parents at the last minute. The house I planned taking my own children to to see their grandparents is no longer ours to call home, but it will always be my home. I miss it already, no more bonfires out back or weeding the front yard (which by the way, I hated doing but now i'll miss it). No more going through the back gate to see my life long neighbors, the Gary's. No more walking into the "green room" Christmas morning and flashing back to when my brother, Levi and I slept under the fooseball table in hopes of catching Santa (we were not successful in that endeavor). My kids will never build the forts in the backyard, my backyard, like I did growing up and they will never see the hand prints in the driveway that my brother and I made years ago with my dad when we poured more concrete to expand the driveway. Everyone keeps telling me it will be a good thing and that everything will be okay, and even though I'm sure things will pan out fine, it doesn't make the pain any less.
        We are now currently living in a three bedroom apartment for the time being because of short notice. It is by no means my favorite place, and it does not feel like home to me. As I walk through the front door (that does not shut properly) I see mounds of boxes filled with 20 years of my life and memories from my house. 20 years, manically thrown into boxes so we could be out in time for the bank to let our house just sit there, empty. My whole life I've been told that I am so caring and sweet, that I'm genuine and that I am a positive person, and even though I am trying my darndest to be that so that my parents and my brother don't have to worry about it, inside, I can't help but be selfish and cry because I am sad and angry and devastated. People say it is "just a house", made from wood and concrete just like any other house is, but it's the house that I grew up in, where I learned to ride my bike on two wheels and roller blade with my dad, until he was going too fast one time and had to superman himself into the neighbors yard to stop.
        I have never been good with change, especially change I didn't see coming. I taught myself how to play the piano there when I was just five and I would always help my mom make cookies, and when she wasn't looking I would stick my finger into the butter where the spoonful of sugar had dipped into it and stick it in my mouth. It's the place that when I was in high school, Levi and Robbie thought they would try drinking raw eggs and both spit it into the kitchen blinds, attempting to get to the sink because it was so disgusting. It's the place I brought all my boyfriends home to meet my family, and where my future husband and I have spent countless hours bonding and reconnecting at the beginning of our relationship. I'm going to miss my room where I have prayed daily and found solace and comfort during difficult times and have also figured out the rest of my life and who I should be with.
        Sure, in 7.5 months I would have been moving out anyway, but my children will never have the opportunity to enjoy that house like I did growing up, just like I did at my grandparents' house, where my dad and mom grew up their whole lives. I guess one could say, after reading this, that I am a sentimental type, to the core. Rowdy has been great through all of this, I swear the second the tears start to flow, he's right on it trying to comfort and hold me, in that moment, it's about me, and my pain and feelings. I feel so selfish writing that, but in all honesty, it's how I've been feeling these past couple weeks. I'm not a crier, anyone can tell you that, but I have been nothing but a fountain of tears over my house. Last Sunday Rowdy and I were driving back from church and we passed my house and the song, "The House That Built Me" came on the radio, then came the water works. It is the perfect song in this moment of my life. I cannot change my circumstances, the only thing I can change is my attitude, but this has been a difficult thing for me to overcome, and for the time being, I'm doing it for the people that have to be around me all the time, I'm hoping I can do it for myself soon at some point. I will miss it and do miss it dearly and it has only been officially one day since we signed it over. I will look back on my childhood with fond memories of my home because it is indeed, the house the built me.

        On a brighter note, since all blogs should be left with a happy thought, fall term is almost over and I can honestly say, I CANNOT wait to take different classes, because lets face it, Computer Science and Stats just aren't my areas of expertise. Rowdy and I also changed our date to July 9th, 2011, so a little under 8 months and we will be getting married! Also, my childhood friend, Tiffany Bleak-Johansen has started her own business called "Tippy Toppers", and it is the cutest thing ever! (I have a button link for it on my page, seriously, check it out) I can't wait to have kids so they can sport her adorable little hats! She is an amazing person to me, she has overcome so much in the last five years, she just inspires me to be better. Even though I have lost my home, it is not the worst thing that could ever happen to me, and if Tiff can get to where she is now, it gives me the hope that I can get there too. Also, for Christmas, I am going back with Rowdy and my soon-to-be in-laws to South Carolina to visit his sister and her husband and nephews, and I am VERY excited! We are also taking our engagement pics there, and I am very excited to see the scenery. My first real time on the east coast (outside of the airport)!! We are also going up to Seattle for Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family at my cousin, Tina's new house. It will be fun and I am looking forward to seeing everyone. So that's an update on my crazy life the last few weeks and all its craziness. More to come, I'm sure of it.


I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play piano
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite cat is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me